To the man who broke my heart, I would like to thank you. Thank you for breaking me into so many pieces that I shattered, because if I didn't shatter then I wouldn't have found the one who put me back together. Thank you for being selfish because without you I wouldn't have learned to put myself first. Thank you for treating me so poorly because it made me realize I deserve better.
I have been in so many TERRIBLE relationships, and the scariest part? I thought I was going to have to settle for the least shittiest guy. I remember thinking "well he isn't awful so I guess I could marry him." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I know this is how we are programmed to think, but it is SO WRONG!
How many times have you heard that if a guy treats you horrible he likes you? Yeah NO. You are basically telling guys it is okay to treat you like crap! I know that we started this thinking way back when we were younger and actually allowed boys to do really shitty things to us because he liked us! NOPE WRONG.
I remember back in elementary school I wrote a boy that was always mean to me a note. I told him I liked him and wanted to be his girlfriend. He laughed at me and called me fat and ugly. Because of that horrible thinking I actually thought he liked me! I allowed him to treat me like shit because of this lie I was being fed! Can you see how messed up that is?
I kept allowing guys to treat me like crap, because I was lucky enough to have just one guy "like" me. I was yearning for a boyfriend and wanted to know what it was like to be loved. All my friends had boyfriends and all I wanted in the world was one guy to like me. Just one! I was a chubby girl who wore glasses and I remember thinking that no guy could ever love a fat girl. Why would any guy want to be with me? I am disgusting.
I had this thinking for YEARS and continued to date gigantic assholes. One day I met this one guy who broke me. He was the first guy I had ever loved and I thought that he was going to be the one! He finally told me all the right things and even told me he loved me. I was so in love with him and I really thought I had hit the jackpot. We dated for a few years and he cheated on me MORE than once. And, like an idiot, I forgave him each time because I really thought this is the best I would ever get. He was so close to perfect that I couldn't let him go!
He manipulated me, and made me feel like I was the problem in the relationship and that I was the reason he cheated. He made me feel as if I was SO LUCKY to have this good looking man who actually loved me. That wasn't real love. He played with my heart and my emotions.
He shattered me into little tiny pieces. He was the first and only boy to actually break me. I fell into a depression and begged him to take me back. I sent emails and letters and even wrote his family to tell them that he has to take me back. It felt so gross to be that person, that was not me! I felt despicable, and he played right into it. He WANTED me to beg, he liked that feeling and continued to dangle his love in front of me.
He wanted to be friends and of course to just have him in my life I said yes. I gave everything I had to him and felt empty without him. Enough was enough, I had to move on. I cried for DAYS and MONTHS and asked God “Why is this happening to me? Why are you punishing me?”.
I had It took me a very long time but I finally got my shit together after MONTHS of begging. I couldn't get him out of my head or heart.I decided to go on a dating site and just see what would happen, and BAM I meet Dan, my future husband.
I am the luckiest girl in the world, because he put me back together. He taught me how a man should really treat a woman. He helped me through my darkest days, and never left my side. He is the glue that holds this family together. I honestly do not know where I would be without him. He showed me that I didn't have to settle for an idiot asshole guy. He showed me that good guys DO exist.
I often remember those days when I was depressed and crying myself to sleep wondering why I couldn’t get over this one stupid guy. But, I am finally in a better place. 7 years later, my life is completely different. I can honestly say I am a better person and am living the life I had always wanted.
In Japanese culture they have this art where they take broken objects and repair them with gold called Kintsugi. Instead of throwing them away they fix them. I feel like that is exactly what Dan did to me, instead of throwing me away he chose to fill the cracks with gold.
I just want to share with you this little tidbit:
DON'T SETTLE. FOR ANYTHING. You are worth so much more and you deserve the world. Sometimes it takes some patients and a lot of tests, but let yourself be worthy of love. Let yourself be worthy of happiness. I wish I could have told younger Amy to be patient and not settle. I feel as plus size women we feel that is the best we can get and so we better snatch him up! NOPE. He is LUCKY to have you! You are a shining star!
I know you may feel like you aren’t worthy of anything good, or amazing. But, listen, I can tell you right now that is not true. I don’t care what the scale says, I don’t care what you have been through, I don’t care about what people say about you. You are worth it. Start believing it.
Have a great day!
"Every day may not be good but there's good in every day"