You guys. I did a thing and it felt so empowering!
***Vulnerable post below so please be gentle***
My husband and I went on an anniversary trip on the west side of the state to relax at the DUN DUN DUN beach. Beaches and I have never really gotten along even though I love them so much. I absolutely LOVE the water and I am certain I was a mermaid in another life. However going to the beach means you have to put on a swimsuit and that is beyond terrifying.
Before I get into my story, please enjoy this picture of baby Amy:
I have always had a struggle with loving my body, and for years I hated it. I hated being fat so much that I wouldn't even be friends with other plus size girls. I had this idea in my head that fat = bad. My whole life I was told that I need to go on a diet, I need to lose some weight and that I needed to cover up my body.
I was even told that I would never have a boyfriend because boys don't like fat girls. Can you imagine what that does to a young girl?
My sixteenth birthday my mom threw me a pool party and I agonized about what I was going to wear. Several months leading up to my party I searched and searched for the perfect swimsuit. I wanted something cute but also it had to cover everything up of course. I ended up with a plain two piece ensemble. It wasn't in the juniors section with all the pretty colors and prints, it was hidden in the back with all the old lady frumpy bathing suits. I hated every minute of it, but hey it was the best I was going to get. I remember looking at all my friends in their tiny bikinis looking all like swimsuit models, and feeling like I was a big, fat, huge cow dressed in black.
Going to any place with water seemed like a nightmare. One day I will never forget, my mom took me and my friend to a water park and I was so stoked to ride the water slide. I mean what kid doesn't love a water slide? I was waiting in line with my friend and a boy behind me started laughing at me and saying I was too fat to ride the water slide and that my rolls would jiggle all the way down. That TRAUMATIZED me and I have not been on a water slide since.
Ever since that incident I have been so TERRIFIED to go out in public in any type of swimsuit. I was always afraid that someone would say something again. Every time I wore a swimsuit of any kind I felt so anxious that I couldn't enjoy myself. I was so worried that someone would call me fat, or make fun of me for being a fat girl in a bathing suit.
For years this has been the case, and it has been so difficult to just be and not worry about others. I was so traumatized and felt like I had to apologize to everyone around me for being fat. Like I was an eye sore that interrupted their beach day. For years and years I hated wearing swimsuits. I would always look at myself in the mirror at every angle to make sure I didn't look lumpy or that my fat rolls weren't hanging out. I felt as if I needed to impress everyone at the water park and look extremely perfect.
While we were on vacation I looked in the mirror naked and said to myself "this is what I look like no mater if a swim suit is on my body or not. Who am I trying to impress? Who am I dressing for?" It may seem silly, but once I had that conversation with myself I felt better. I put on my swim suit and did not look in a mirror.
I FINALLY wore my first bikini out in PUBLIC and you know what? NOBODY SAID A THING. I reminded myself that no matter what I put on my body that it still looks like that when I'm naked. Who am I trying to impress? Who am I dressing for?
I forced myself to walk around in my bikini with no cover up and it felt so EMPOWERING. I laid on the beach and let the sun touch my belly. It was so liberating to actually not give a f*ck. In all honestly nobody cared about what I put on my body. They were there to enjoy the beach just like I was.
My favorite part? I posted a picture on my personal insta of me in my bikini and actually inspired one of my friends (Stacie Costello) to wear her bikini! Just seeing that I could inspire another #curvybabe to live her best life rocking her curves, well that is everything to me. Her post made me tear up and gave me all the feels. Also, can we just talk about how amazing she looks in her bikini too? #slaygirlslay
I hope that this blog inspires you to stop worrying about others and start doing what you want. Wear that bikini and enjoy the water! Being plus size does not make you unworthy. Being fat doesn't mean you aren't allowed to enjoy life. You are worth it. Own it #curvybabe
If this post inspired you to wear your bikini please send me pictures! I would love to do a blog of all my plus size babes living their best life! And, maybe you too, can inspire another girl to wear her bikini!
Have a great day!