Yep, you read that right. I have never felt special. It may come as a shock to most people that know me because of how I dress. I dress loud, colorful and gaudy. Most people would look at me and think that I love to be the center of attention because of my clothes. Well, that couldn't be any farther from the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I am wearing a costume just so I can feel somewhat special.
Have you ever felt special? Have you ever felt significant? I know I haven't.
I remember in high school seeing the girls in my class and thinking they had something special about them. They had something I didn't and never would have. They were great at sports, they were naturally beautiful, they were A+ students, they were great singers. And me? I was none of those things. I was the plainest Jane there was, and had no talent. I was an average student, I couldn't play sports to save my life and singing, yeah I sound like a dying bird when I sing.
I am not good or talented at anything. I have always been mediocre at everything I have ever attempted. That really bothered me, I mean there had to be something I was good at! I searched for things to try and learn but nothing was ever really "mine". I often wondered what it would feel like to actually be good at something. What would life be like? How would things in my life change? Would that actually make me happier?
I honestly thought it would make me happier. I thought if there was just ONE thing I could master then I would be happy. After years of continuously searching for things to be good at, and things that would finally make me feel special, I gave up. I was tired of trying to be somebody else and comparing myself to others. It was exhausting!
It took me a very long time but I finally realized that feeling special is not about others approval, and it is not about being the best at something. The best way to feel special? Self-love. After years of self-hate and damage, I finally came to the realization that the key to feeling like I was something special was just to love myself. Falling in love with yourself doesn't happen overnight and it is a process. It takes patience and effort.
Self-love is probably one of the hardest things I have ever attempted, but I can tell you it is so worth it. Forgive yourself, and give yourself the love you deserve! You don't need approval, you don't need to be liked, you don't need to be cookie cutter. Love yourself first so you know what you deserve.
Have a great day!
"Every day may not be good but there's good in every day"